2017 has certainly been a rollercoaster of a year to say the least. The highs have been really high, and the lows have been really low. This year I have had a wedding (mine), a hen party, two 50th birthday’s a 21st birthday and that’s just scratching the surface. It has certainly been a very hectic year.
The massive high has definitely been marrying the most amazing man and best friend I could ever wish for. We had the most amazing day, and all the stress and planning was 100% worth every single second. We got married at Armathwaite Hall on the 1st August, which is a very special place for us. This is where we had one of our first dates, where Adam proposed, and now where we got married. The date we got married was the date of our first date, and the date that Adam proposed, that will now be our wedding anniversary.
We had a very small wedding of just 24 people at the day, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Sat around that table where the closest and most important people in our lives that have been there through everything, good times and bad. It was a very emotional day with lots of personal touches, and that’s what made it so special (in my opinion anyway!). Considering there was a lot of years where I would never have ever considered marriage, it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Mum was right, it definitely changes when you meet the right person. (why are mum’s always right?! So annoying!)
So here’s the soppy part, but it has to be done. My now husband, is by far the best person I know. Without him I honestly don’t know where I’d be (in the nut house most probably!). He has picked me up at my very very lowest, embraces my crazy and just loves me for who I am warts and all. I never thought I would really ever find someone that would embrace all that (trust me it’s a lot of crazy!!) This year’s lows have been really tough, but he’s been my rock as always.
I have really struggled with my mental health this year which isn’t something I would ever usually admit. But, in the light of entering a new year with a new attitude, I don’t think we should feel embarrassed to say that we struggle with our mental health. For a long time only those close to me knew just how tough I was finding it, sworn to secrecy and hoping that I was hiding it well (I thought I was but who knows!). I would (and still do) build up in my head that everyone would think it was silly, that I was crazy or attention seeking. So it really does take a lot for me to write about it. In fact my heart is racing as I write! What I find both annoying and fascinating is just how much damage your brain can do, and how much it controls things like your mood. I have suffered from some of the worst panic attacks I have ever known, anxiety beyond control, and low points that that have taken me to some really dark places this year. Some of it valid, and some of it entirely made up scenarios in my head that I have created single handedly. But I do think I’m a stronger and better person for it. I have struggled on for a few years, but I’ve found it really hard this year. I know that it is something I will always have to work at, but I think if I had worried less about what other people might think (not an easy task!), it probably would have been a whole lot easier!
Joe’s health hasn’t been good this year which has been hard, which has fed a lot of my worry and anxiety naturally. And then I worry about mum and dad and then worry about worrying!! I think when you grown up and live in a high pressure, high stress, high anxiety household, it’s going to affect you mentally in one way or another. I don’t remember particularly struggling as a child, but as an adult I have found it really tough. If you too live with someone who has a life-limiting condition, I would take the time to remember that what you’re living as a part of is hard. It’s not fair, you can’t fix it, but it’s ok for you to not be ok too. My god it’s taken me years to realise it, but it’s true. Allow yourself the time that you give to everyone else, and if your a big sister or brother like me, stop trying to fix everyone else’s problems, because it’s what we naturally want to do. Some days I could just have a tantrum, cry, scream and stamp my feet all at once. But let yourself, get it out of your system. Then pick yourself back up, but your brave face on (because you do whether you realise it or not) and carry on. I realise now that if I had given myself the same leeway I give everyone else when they’re having a bad day, I probably wouldn’t have got myself into some of the states that I have done this year (Oh hindsight eh!)
So I for one will be entering 2018 with a new outlook, new rules for myself and taking lessons learnt into the new year. It’s good to reflect on each year as we start a new one, and really remember what we’ve accomplished, the mistakes we’ve made and start afresh! I for one am excited for what looks to be a very bright and busy 2018!
Happy New year! 🙂